“IN THE MOMENT”Every Monday I will include a journal entry of when I lived in that place of acute pain from betrayal. I include this raw and very personal reflection for one purpose only, to set the “before and after” stage. Every Wednesday I will tackle the subject of Monday's journal entry from a healed perspective. My hope and prayer is that these two drastically different scenarios will instill hope into your heart that God can indeed heal and that there is a way through the betrayal you feel today.
Today’s subject is on TRUST
October 30, 2007 - Three days after finding out about my husband’s infidelity.
I cannot trust anyone! I will not trust from this point on. For I will never allow myself to be hurt like this again. NEVER!
How could my husband have professed love and yet at the SAME time lived a double life?
He now begs for another chance and is willing to go to counseling, do whatever is needed to rebuild trust.
Everything within shouts, “Stop right there! Rebuild trust…NOT POSSIBLE.”
Yet the thought of never trusting anyone again conjures immense fear. Life will become harsh, isolated, and bitter… I've seen those who live this way and it is bleak.
David repeats over and over how sorry he is and that he loves me…
I shudder, for his love looks radically different than mine.
Love involves commitment. Love demands mutual trust.
1 Corinthians 13 describes love as kind, gentle, not boastful, nor proud. It is not rude, or self-seeking. Love is patient, Love is not easily angered, and love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects…
Yeah so based on the above…did David love me, or was he delighting in evil, and then resorting to a thousand lies to cover that which I can’t even wrap my brain around?
BUT WAIT… I look at the rest of that Scripture and find it directed at me. A sad truth unfolds. Last week in my naivety when I did not know the atrocities that lived beneath the surface of my marriage, I loved David in this way. This week however, I know I fall short! For if love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres and keeps no record of wrongs, there is no way I can lie to myself. There is not a chance in heaven or hell I am living this kind of love.
I honestly don’t know if I have the energy to work through this darkness. I have poured 25 years into what? My marriage was an illusion of something that did not exist, a mere dream, a figment of my imagination. I was duped BIG TIME!
Reality crashes in…and NO, I don’t believe I will ever trust again. It hurts like the very fires of hell were stoked and I’ve been thrown in. I’m not signing up for more of the same.