November 8, 2008 (One year post revelation) Journal Entry
I feel God’s direction, his hand in this plan. He asks me to trust Him when I do not even know what trust looks like anymore.
Like the threads of a great tapestry from the underside, this arrangement looks messy. Slashes of thread run over each other and colors bleed together seemingly chaotic. Yet… I know if I do not listen to His call, trust will never be restored.
I’m going to Australia—to the other side of this earth, far from any and all influences for one purpose only—to heal.
The catalyst for this decision became clear when I ran into the other woman at the hockey game. The jolt of seeing her right in front of me brought to light the truth within. I did not act upon my ugly thoughts, but oh how they festered. Like a boil where infection has set in, I know if I don’t attend to my soul, this poison will spread throughout my being.
I had a discussion with ...( I will not mention who to protect the privacy of that person.) Years previously she experienced the pain of adultery, but to date did not display signs of healing.
She harrumphed as I explained how I wanted to leave so I could heal independently of David and how I believed as long as I kept opening up the wounds of David’s guilt with my bursts of anger, pain filled questions and deep sadness neither of us would heal.
“Who gets the luxury of going half way around the world to heal?” Her hands flew up, as she waved off the idea like a pesky fly. “I know I sure didn’t.
“What are you going to find there that you can’t find here?”
I spoke honestly.
“You’re one of the reasons I know I must do this.”
Shocked and decidedly offended, she demanded to know what I meant.
“It’s been over thirty years since your divorce," I said but whenever you speak of your husband, there’s still pain in your voice. You never mention anything good you shared, and refer to him as "THAT MAN"...and yet you raised a family and were married to him for over twenty-five years. It’s as if only the bad remains.”
She looked at me sadly, but did not reply.
“This is where I currently live with David, in a place of pain and negativity. Our life is now viewed through the lens of betrayal. Everything is cataloged—before, after, or during the affair? If I find good memories anywhere near, during or after his betrayal I chuck them out. Adultery stains our existence.
Her eyes glazed over with a far away look as memories flooded in. "I know the feeling well," she agreed.
Her acknowledgment encouraged me to continue.
“The way you talk about yourself is painful to hear. You say you have no talents and complain about your weight. You tell people you’re a loser twice over, because two men have left you. Negative remarks flow constantly.
“Unfortunately, I see myself in your life. Insecurity has plagued me from childhood. It’s sad when a ten-year-old wishes she had never been born. Even sadder when she marries and her husband needs someone else...” Tears slipped from my eyes as I chocked back a sob.
She nodded in agreement. We understood each other too well.
“I don’t want bitterness to grow, yet I know the work of forgiveness is far from done. You should have seen the anger that welled up in me the other day when I came face to face with the “other woman.”
“Oh I acted cool and collective, but inside I seethed. I then allowed my fury to marinate and wow did David get it. I don’t even recognize who I am any more.” I bowed my head in shame. “I have to find healing.”
“What do you think healing looks like?” she asked in confusion.
I thought for a moment—“I’m not quite sure, but I long for the day I can talk about this pain without it evoking destructive emotions. I think maybe…that’s the goal.”
“You’re right,” she said. “ I tell myself I’ve forgiven, but I’m still deeply bothered by what he did. Even though he is dead and gone, my pain lives on.”
She shook her head sadly. “There are parts of me that will go to the grave unhealed…and no, you don’t want that…you really don’t want that…”
~ ~ ~
If any of the above emotions (angry outbursts, bitterness, unforgiveness, poisonous thoughts, negativity, insecurity, sadness, depression, etc. ) mirror your struggle to overcome the pain of adultery or another type of betrayal that stains your existence...have hope.
This is not the end of your story.
Join me in the weeks to come as my story unfolds. My prayer is that it will infuse hope in which to believe in a good God when life is not good, a good God who desires to heal you, and a good God in the midst of human failure.
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Off to a scary new world...what was God's plan?To be continued...