SOMETIMES A BREAK IS NECESSARY—CREATE TIME, SPACE, EVEN DISTANCE
That first year after disclosure, passed in a daze. I worked through the shock first November through March. In April I moved out of our home into my own apartment to grieve alone. I either worked or cried for three months straight. Home again, I poured myself deeper into my career. With grief well on its way out—work became the one reprieve from the anger that now boiled. My emotions ran wild. Depression lurked, ever ready to pull me under. I had no idea how close I was to the edge. In this next journal entry, God brought this truth to the forefront.
Though I truly wanted to heal, I was missing a big part of the puzzle. I could not trust anyone, or anything, including God.
I praise God that He did not leave me in this state, but orchestrated change—Crucial CHANGE!
JOURNAL ENTRY October 2008, (1 year post revelation)
Suppressed behind the façade of work and responsibility, behind the good girl persona, an ugly truth lives. I’m angry with God and finding it hard to trust Him. I gave Him my life and He saw fit to allow more sorrow than I fear I can handle. I ask—why would a big God, the God of this universe, a God of love, serve up a smorgasbord of pain to His child. Would I give my children a snake, when they ask for bread?
My most dominant longing this past year has been for death. I stand on the precipice, so close to falling into that pit of hopeless despair, the same one my dad fell into, never to return.
I’m drawn to the words of Job 3:20-26 with morbid fascination. The fact they speak my mind is worrisome. “Why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter of soul, to those who long for death that does not come, who search for it more than for hidden treasure, who are filled with gladness and rejoice when they reach the grave. Why is life given to a man whose way is hidden, whom God has hedged in? For sighing has become my daily food; my groans pour out like water. What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.”
Betrayal has arrived from every direction. Though I want to do what is right, I have forgiveness issues and am perilously close to becoming a life-timer in the pity party club.
I’m weary and worn-out. I’ve had more flues, colds and back pain this past year than I care to admit, and am physically spent.
Where tears have ceased to flow as readily, anger burns hot and ugly. Is this progress?
Our sex life is a place she lives. She’s in our bed and in my head. My mind cannot shut them out. I wonder how often he is thinking of her while touching me. I envision what they did together and imagine him touching her, saying to her what he says to me. I can’t help but feel inadequate. My self-esteem is in the dirt and I feel about as attractive as a fly on a manure pile.
I went to sleep last night wondering if this mess could ever be sorted?
I’m not surprised I awoke in the night to hear I should no longer lie to myself, or God. He could see my efforts, but He could also see the truth. He didn’t need an obedient servant, but a daughter who understood how much He loved her.
God in his mysterious ways brought Australia to mind, and asked I do the very thing I struggle with—trust Him. A message clear, precise, and direct cut into my consciousness.
“I want you to go away—far away—to Australia where you will have no outside influence. Go to the church Joshua (my son) went to. I will provide and look after every detail. You will have friends. You will have sunshine. You will have rest. You will learn to trust me again.
“If you do not listen to me, you will break down, physically, emotionally and spiritually.”
Everything within me recoiled at the thought of forging out alone, into the unknown, the foreign, a land where one drives on the wrong side of the road. Didn’t I have enough stress already? So I began to make excuses.
What about my career God, I will lose my clientele.
“You will lose your mind, if you stay.”
I smiled at the lunacy. The very nature of my thoughts proved it was too late.
I drifted back to sleep. But when I woke this morning, all questions were gone. A simple knowing and peace covered me. I knew God had purpose. I knew I had to obey, and I knew I was going to Australia. Without hesitation I informed David of my plans.
“Well that’s it then,” he said as he slipped his wedding ring off. “Our marriage is over. If you go, you‘ll never come back.”
I could see his fear, but a solid resolve settled over me and I answered with confidence. “This is about my healing, not our marriage. David you will not have a wife if I stay. I’m losing the battle in more ways than you know and I believe God has asked me to do this. Nothing will change my mind.”
“I don’t understand. How are we to work on our marriage if you are not here?” His voice broke.
“It’s no longer about our marriage. I’m a mess. I have buried myself in work and I’m physically and emotionally spent. It has been the worst year of my life and I trust no one—not even God…” Giant tears rolled down my cheek as I actually voiced this truth.
“Somehow…this will restore my trust in God and help me heal,” I added with a measure of uncertainty. “I don’t understand how, but I know it’s what I need to do.”
“What about the expense and your job?” I could hear the anger seeping into his voice.
“Honestly David, I don’t care.
We have air miles for my flight and God said He would provide. I know nothing beyond this point other than the certainty I must go.”
Desperation laced his words. “I’ve done everything you’ve asked. I’ve gone to church, Bible study, counseling, and it’s not enough.”
“David I can understand your disappointment, but this isn’t about you.”
“Fine, then go, but don’t expect me to be around when you get back.” His words reverberated in my mind, as the door slammed shut. The sound of his vehicle faded as he drove away.
I felt amazingly calm and centered. I went to the computer and began to make calls. How many air miles did I have anyway? What a surprise—just enough to get to Australia... and back.
It was all the confirmation I needed. I now have tickets to Sydney Australia December 10th, 2008.
~ ~ ~
To be continued...
