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PEACEMAKER OR DOORMAT?

Peacemaker or Doormat?  This remains a question of perspective.
The following photo depicts this anomaly.


 
                                                                                                      Fall or free fall? You decide.
During my healing process I often journaled my pain. At times God would bring revelation and understanding. Here is one such entry…

 August 24, 2008
Today the Pastor delivered a sermon describing the role of the peacemaker, or more aptly put, one who pursues peace for the benefit of someone else’s good.
The pastor described a peace keeper not as someone who bite their tongue in all situations while others walk all over and manipulate, but rather, as one who actively pursues peace in all situations.This is my great dilemma, am I a peacemaker or a doormat?
So, I ask dear pastor, how does one keep from crossing over that fine line between the two.
I tried to live as one who pursued peace and I have in return been gravely disrespected and betrayed. Despite following this Godly principle of pursing peace it became an opportunity to easily be taken advantage of.
My counselor tells me I have the right to express anger in constructive ways. But how can this so-called constructive anger that shrivels David into a broken piece of humanity be the work of a peacemaker?
Can one be angry, hurt and disappointed in the marriage and yet still live the life of a peacemaker? If so, how?
Do I refuse to discuss the elephant in the room and let the stones I so long to hurl slip from my fingers? Or does it mean that I heal enough to kick that elephant out of the room?
Perhaps a peacemaker is simply one that views the fallen as Jesus does, a redeemable human being loved by God.
I was confused until I hit upon this last statement. I think I now understand what a peacemaker is…one that fully comprehends the injustice, but despite the pain chooses to walk toward a peaceful resolution.
 
When I wrote this, I did not know if my marriage would survive or not...only God did. However, my choice to pursue peace was the best gift I ever gave my children. They did not get caught in the middle of our mess. I encourage all who do not have the choice of reconciliation, to remember you still have the choice to pursue peace and forgiveness.

In the end, all that stands eternally is our choice to love and forgive as Christ did for us on the cross.
 
 
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Comments 2

Guest - A reader

on Friday, 07 January 2022 11:32

Thanks for articulating this question. When I typed in “peacemaker doormat” into Google, your page is the first that came up.

If you feel called, I am wondering if you can help me gain some clarity with some examples, either mine or your own.

When someone is attacking you, constantly crossing your boundaries, for example, a woman your prodigal husband cheated on you with, - and then she has the gall to accuse you of the very things she actually did - what would you say to this? I simply ignored it all, because she doesn’t exist here. She isn’t God’s plan for my family, I have what God says I have, and that, let no man separate. The devil is a liar, and I won’t pretend that that sin or that woman have any influence over my family, my life, what God says I have. One day however I did respond, “I wish only the best for you, you might wonder why, but I forgave you, a long time ago. i pray that all the blessings God has for YOU, chase you down.” Her response was accusing me of being smug and wronging her (because he chose me. Again. This man has been prayed home from different situations; moving away, his own fears creating division, cheating on me, etc) quite a few times; it is only now that I am realizing the reason he keeps having this trouble is because he has no faith in God.

I want to respond with facts, because i have had enough of these accusations while she deeply ravages every boundary with my husband, my family, my child, my marriage, “No weapon formed against you will prosper, and every word that accuses you, you shall condemn” - I feel I should at least acknowledge to defend myself, that I do not agree with her, that what she says is false, and to mention that she has been doing these very things- having “no boundaries”, “cheating with a partnered person”, and so on. Speaking to her about her boundaries where she even crosses my boundaries with my child; pole dancing in front of my young child, walking around nude in front of my child, telling others she is my child’s mother, showing up at my child’s classroom introducing herself as his stepmother (she’s not) and her parents as his grandparents (the level of sociopathy, here——) (her parents even coming to my child’s grandparents day meant for my child’s grandparents- which I turned them away graciously-) and coming to my child’s classroom filling out paperwork that *I* am supposed to be filling out and AM THERE to fill out (and even if I was not, that is highly inappropriate! - when I confronted her about that for example, saying I am here to do that, she pulled the classic narcissistic pd behavior of acting like the Victim- and began CRYING “I was just trying to help”. - this is how she (and her parents) behave and try to control my husband, - acting like the victims, or controlling him by his needs or creating obligation to them; ie buying a house for them to live in with a legal contract to pay, giving him a free vehicle because his is old, making him a constant babysitter of her child so he can’t come see US because they know where he is at all times, getting him to work for them in their business, her acting like she’s had such a hard life (he is a sucker for the underdog; however she is extremely privileged while only acting like one and her parents supporting this delusional, incredibly wrong behavior), while he leaves me alone with no support whatsoever.

The things she does are not things any sane person would do, she is clearly blinded by Satan. But that doesn’t mean I should just let it go. To “condemn” these “words that come against” me, I feel I would have to speak truth against it, showing that she is actually the one who has done wrong here; her behavior is so narcissistic, and she has such cognitive dissonance as to pretend she did nothing wrong by interfering in my family, or any of the other boundaries she has crossed. She even tried to force her way into a parent teacher meeting, and CRIED when I wouldn’t let it happen, all the while saying “I’m not trying to step on any boundaries; I’m not trying to disrespect you” *while doing exactly that*. I asked my husband in front of the office staff why I would want him bringing a girl he slept with behind my back to our meeting. (While he also brought her parents, who would watch her child and ours during the meeting!)

When truth is spoken, she may not agree, but in her heart she will know it’s true. I didn’t say anything to her accusations against me because I wanted to be a peacemaker and not cause any non-peace? - anger from her, attacking my prodigal (which she did already, much yelling, screaming, crying, talking, etc wearing him out and making him stressed) (-but what stress he has put me under!) or her attacking me somehow (but I guess she actually does that already, I just fear, as in an abusive relationship, that if I speak up, she may do other things. But then again, God is with me, I will not fail. He is for us, of whom shall we be afraid?)

He had come back, but went back to her because he doesn’t have the strength of salvation to hold him in faith, and feels either guilt or lack or fear of something). When he told me he was wrong for coming back to me because it was “disrespectful” to this girl, “his family”, and himself, (never a mention of myself, OUR family, or OUR son- actually the email sounded like she stood over his shoulder as he wrote it- and stated that he wouldn’t be speaking to me, anywhere in any form, except about our child, and that he won’t be coming home to drop off or pick up our child, nor have me at this girl’s house; rather he will meet me elsewhere and if I refuse to follow this or try to speak to him about anything other than our child it will just make it “harder to coparent”.) I did not even dignify that with a response. My only response was responding to her accusations against me by telling her I forgave HER (meaning she is in the wrong), a long time ago, and May Gods blessings for HER chase her down.

Maybe I am simply not understanding peace. Peace is not the state of nothing bad happening, it’s the state of remaining calm even in turbulent circumstances? But I still can’t seem to relate that to peacemaking.

What would you do, in light of “being the peacemaker” or “Every tongue that comes against you, you shall condemn”?
Can you help me understand what a “peacemaker” response would be?

Thank you for your post, and for any thoughts or advice.

Thanks for articulating this question. When I typed in “peacemaker doormat” into Google, your page is the first that came up. If you feel called, I am wondering if you can help me gain some clarity with some examples, either mine or your own. When someone is attacking you, constantly crossing your boundaries, for example, a woman your prodigal husband cheated on you with, - and then she has the gall to accuse you of the very things she actually did - what would you say to this? I simply ignored it all, because she doesn’t exist here. She isn’t God’s plan for my family, I have what God says I have, and that, let no man separate. The devil is a liar, and I won’t pretend that that sin or that woman have any influence over my family, my life, what God says I have. One day however I did respond, “I wish only the best for you, you might wonder why, but I forgave you, a long time ago. i pray that all the blessings God has for YOU, chase you down.” Her response was accusing me of being smug and wronging her (because he chose me. Again. This man has been prayed home from different situations; moving away, his own fears creating division, cheating on me, etc) quite a few times; it is only now that I am realizing the reason he keeps having this trouble is because he has no faith in God. I want to respond with facts, because i have had enough of these accusations while she deeply ravages every boundary with my husband, my family, my child, my marriage, “No weapon formed against you will prosper, and every word that accuses you, you shall condemn” - I feel I should at least acknowledge to defend myself, that I do not agree with her, that what she says is false, and to mention that she has been doing these very things- having “no boundaries”, “cheating with a partnered person”, and so on. Speaking to her about her boundaries where she even crosses my boundaries with my child; pole dancing in front of my young child, walking around nude in front of my child, telling others she is my child’s mother, showing up at my child’s classroom introducing herself as his stepmother (she’s not) and her parents as his grandparents (the level of sociopathy, here——) (her parents even coming to my child’s grandparents day meant for my child’s grandparents- which I turned them away graciously-) and coming to my child’s classroom filling out paperwork that *I* am supposed to be filling out and AM THERE to fill out (and even if I was not, that is highly inappropriate! - when I confronted her about that for example, saying I am here to do that, she pulled the classic narcissistic pd behavior of acting like the Victim- and began CRYING “I was just trying to help”. - this is how she (and her parents) behave and try to control my husband, - acting like the victims, or controlling him by his needs or creating obligation to them; ie buying a house for them to live in with a legal contract to pay, giving him a free vehicle because his is old, making him a constant babysitter of her child so he can’t come see US because they know where he is at all times, getting him to work for them in their business, her acting like she’s had such a hard life (he is a sucker for the underdog; however she is extremely privileged while only acting like one and her parents supporting this delusional, incredibly wrong behavior), while he leaves me alone with no support whatsoever. The things she does are not things any sane person would do, she is clearly blinded by Satan. But that doesn’t mean I should just let it go. To “condemn” these “words that come against” me, I feel I would have to speak truth against it, showing that she is actually the one who has done wrong here; her behavior is so narcissistic, and she has such cognitive dissonance as to pretend she did nothing wrong by interfering in my family, or any of the other boundaries she has crossed. She even tried to force her way into a parent teacher meeting, and CRIED when I wouldn’t let it happen, all the while saying “I’m not trying to step on any boundaries; I’m not trying to disrespect you” *while doing exactly that*. I asked my husband in front of the office staff why I would want him bringing a girl he slept with behind my back to our meeting. (While he also brought her parents, who would watch her child and ours during the meeting!) When truth is spoken, she may not agree, but in her heart she will know it’s true. I didn’t say anything to her accusations against me because I wanted to be a peacemaker and not cause any non-peace? - anger from her, attacking my prodigal (which she did already, much yelling, screaming, crying, talking, etc wearing him out and making him stressed) (-but what stress he has put me under!) or her attacking me somehow (but I guess she actually does that already, I just fear, as in an abusive relationship, that if I speak up, she may do other things. But then again, God is with me, I will not fail. He is for us, of whom shall we be afraid?) He had come back, but went back to her because he doesn’t have the strength of salvation to hold him in faith, and feels either guilt or lack or fear of something). When he told me he was wrong for coming back to me because it was “disrespectful” to this girl, “his family”, and himself, (never a mention of myself, OUR family, or OUR son- actually the email sounded like she stood over his shoulder as he wrote it- and stated that he wouldn’t be speaking to me, anywhere in any form, except about our child, and that he won’t be coming home to drop off or pick up our child, nor have me at this girl’s house; rather he will meet me elsewhere and if I refuse to follow this or try to speak to him about anything other than our child it will just make it “harder to coparent”.) I did not even dignify that with a response. My only response was responding to her accusations against me by telling her I forgave HER (meaning she is in the wrong), a long time ago, and May Gods blessings for HER chase her down. Maybe I am simply not understanding peace. Peace is not the state of nothing bad happening, it’s the state of remaining calm even in turbulent circumstances? But I still can’t seem to relate that to peacemaking. What would you do, in light of “being the peacemaker” or “Every tongue that comes against you, you shall condemn”? Can you help me understand what a “peacemaker” response would be? Thank you for your post, and for any thoughts or advice.

Blossom Turner

on Saturday, 08 January 2022 17:32

Would who ever left this reply please contact me directly at [email protected]
I would like to respond to you privately as this sounds like a very traumatic situation. I am so sorry you are going through what you are and would like to email you directly and personally.

Would who ever left this reply please contact me directly at [email protected] I would like to respond to you privately as this sounds like a very traumatic situation. I am so sorry you are going through what you are and would like to email you directly and personally.
Monday, 04 March 2024

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