Two months after the truth of betrayal in my marriage,
I wrote these words in my journal. January 20, 2007
Do I love him?
I can’t lie to myself. How can I say I love David when loving a husband means I respect him, I’m proud of him, I want to protect his name, I trust him… and not one of these qualities are present?
There is a conflict that rages within…One of years together, good memories, raising two beautiful children, of happy times and laughter…then the other, his betrayal…and betrayal is not a strong enough word to convey the agony. My current situation creates a jaded view and those things that were previously difficult in our marriage are now magnified.
So I ask myself, do I love him?
Confusion is my only answer.
David says I look at him with sadness, blankness, or anger. He says I never smile anymore.
It’s true and I can’t help it, nor do I have the energy to care most days.
Yesterday...all my troubles seemed so far away.
This account depicts the intense sorrow of betrayal and the aftermath of broken vows. My idealistic view on love had been shattered, and needed redefinition.
Did I love David? Yes. The very fact I did not immediately walk out the door answered that question.
Did I love what he did to us? Absolutely NOT! It was the most difficult season I have ever walked through. Our marriage is intact because of the grace of God.
In Wednesday’s Blog I will expound upon what love is?