Dear reader, as you can see by the title this is an on-going series. If you have joined today, please go to the bottom and click on previous posts and begin at part 1 for greater clarity and benefit.
HOW DO I TRUST AGAIN?
I understand now that a big part of my wanting to know why David strayed was my attempt to control the future. I believed that if I understood his reasoning, then I could ensure adultery never happened again. If I was to blame than I could change. If our marriage lacked something, I could fill that void. “IF” and “I” ruled my life. I lived in fear, paralyzed by the thought of ever hurting like I did again. I wanted to close up, close down and close shop. Living alone was far preferable to the risk trust demanded.
God knew there was no way I could have stopped David from his choice anymore than I can stop him from repeating this behavior in the future. His soul issues are his alone. I’m not in control of anyone but me, but I had not yet learnt this hard truth.
That big word trust
plagued me. Disappointment loomed large. I wanted answers. I begged God to tell me if I could, would or should trust David. The last thing I expected was to have God tell me to forget about trusting David and seek Him first.
Though this section directly deals with betrayal in marriage, for those of you, who are working through other types of betrayal, place your situation here and think about how much you honestly trust God. Ask yourself if your situation has rocked your confidence and trust in your ability to make a sound decision. Then read the following account with open eyes to your soul, your struggle, your betrayal. God will undoubtedly ask you…Do you trust me?
Australia, January 2009
Walking along the shoreline today a profound sense of thankfulness filled me. The thunder of surf seamlessly joined with my praise and I remembered the scripture in Luke 19 where Jesus said if the people do not praise, even the stones will cry out. My heart opened enough to hear—to see. I realized how preoccupied I’ve been with my pain, how the stones, waves, all creation has had to cry out in praise on my behalf.
I plunked to the sand, and lifted my head. As far as the eye could see a vast expanse of crystalline water spread before me. Endless beach stretched out on either side of me. I sat all alone, but God’s presence felt so incredibly near.
I heard a whisper float across the dancing water, “Will you trust me?”
In my mind’s eye an ancient chest with my name carved into the wood lay before me. Weathered, worn and beaten, this battered box represented my life. That still small voice encouraged me to open the lid and take out the word BETRAYAL and all it encompassed.
I found myself weeping as I pulled this heartache out into the open. The sting of my husband’s betrayal surfaced. My tortured childhood lay open...out of the shadows of secrecy and denial.
God began to speak into my spirit. He reminded me that He too had been betrayed, which I had not thought about for a long time. A kindred Spirit washed over me as I grasp the fact...He understood the depth of my sorrow.
The mystery of how a husband could speak words of love yet reach out to another, or a parent beat a child senseless, yet still say they loved, haunted me. In those sacred moments of wind, sea and God, He answered this conundrum. Where I had concluded that those who betrayed me could not possibly love, God reminded me that Peter loved Him and yet betrayed Him.
I thought about both Judas and Peter. They had walked with Jesus, learned from Jesus and yet handled the aftermath of their personal failure so drastically different. Peter repented, faced his shame, and went on to become a mighty man of God. Judas despaired, contained the darkness within, and committed suicide. Betrayal, condemnation and suicide did not have to be the end of his story. God desired restoration, and still does today. He will never turn away a repentant heart.
Something profound happened there on that beach under the canopy of cerulean blue and sun-drenched loveliness. God wrapped His arms around me. He asked me to trust Him, and then He poured the healing balm of truth over my wound. Betrayal and victim mentality will NOT be the end of my story. He has a greater plan.
Tonight I hurt a little less.
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To be continued...