I Will Never Trust Again!
“IN THE MOMENT”
Every Monday I will include a journal entry of when I lived in that place of acute pain from betrayal. I include this raw and very personal reflection for one purpose only, to set the “before and after” stage. Every Wednesday I will tackle the subject of Monday's journal entry from a healed perspective. My hope and prayer is that these two drastically different scenarios will instill hope into your heart that God can indeed heal and that there is a way through the betrayal you feel today.Today’s subject is on TRUST
October 30, 2007 - Three days after finding out about my husband’s infidelity.
I cannot trust anyone! I will not trust from this point on. For I will never allow myself to be hurt like this again. NEVER!
How could my husband have professed love and yet at the SAME time lived a double life?
He now begs for another chance and is willing to go to counseling, do whatever is needed to rebuild trust.
Everything within shouts, “Stop right there! Rebuild trust…NOT POSSIBLE.”
Yet the thought of never trusting anyone again conjures immense fear. Life will become harsh, isolated, and bitter… I've seen those who live this way and it is bleak.
David repeats over and over how sorry he is and that he loves me…
I shudder, for his love looks radically different than mine.
Love involves commitment. Love demands mutual trust.
1 Corinthians 13 describes love as kind, gentle, not boastful, nor proud. It is not rude, or self-seeking. Love is patient, Love is not easily angered, and love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects…
Yeah so based on the above…did David love me, or was he delighting in evil, and then resorting to a thousand lies to cover that which I can’t even wrap my brain around?
BUT WAIT… I look at the rest of that Scripture and find it directed at me. A sad truth unfolds. Last week in my naivety when I did not know the atrocities that lived beneath the surface of my marriage, I loved David in this way. This week however, I know I fall short! For if love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres and keeps no record of wrongs, there is no way I can lie to myself. There is not a chance in heaven or hell I am living this kind of love.
I honestly don’t know if I have the energy to work through this darkness. I have poured 25 years into what? My marriage was an illusion of something that did not exist, a mere dream, a figment of my imagination. I was duped BIG TIME!
Reality crashes in…and NO, I don’t believe I will ever trust again. It hurts like the very fires of hell were stoked and I’ve been thrown in. I’m not signing up for more of the same.
But…but…
WITHOUT TRUST, WHAT WILL THIS WORLD LOOK LIKE? Cause its not only David I will never trust again… its everyone… including the saddest part of all…I don’t trust myself! For I was the idiot that did not know!
You have read the "Before" scenario, be sure and read Wednesday to receive the "After" scenario for encouragement on "HOW TO" move beyond this pain into a place of hope and healing.
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About the author
Blossom Turner is an award-winning novelist, and a free-lance writer published in Chicken Soup and Kernels of Hope anthologies, and former newspaper columnist on health and fitness. A Word Guild semi-finalist for Anna's Secret, Katherine's Arrangement, Amelia’s Heartsong, and a Word Guild winner for Best Romance for Lucinda’s Defender. She has found her home in the writing of historical fiction but is open to wherever God leads. The many 5-star reviews attest to the power of love and romance authentically woven into the Shenandoah Bride Series about five sisters and their five love stories.
Blossom lives in British Columbia, Canada, with her husband, David, of forty years and their dog Lacey named after Lacey Spring, Virginia, where this series takes place. A former businesswoman, personal trainer, and mother of two grown children she is now pursuing her lifelong dream of writing full-time. A hopeless romantic at heart, she believes all story should give the reader significant entertainment value. However, her writing embodies the struggles of real life. She infuses the reality of suffering with the hope of Christ to give a healthy dose of relatable encouragement to her reader. Her desire is to leave the reader with a yearning to live for Christ on a deeper level, or at the very least, create a hunger to seek for more.
Co-author Suzie Zanewhich
Suzie is a certified life coach, leader of emotional health, and resource specialist. She has found her niche as a soul coach.
Suzie finds purpose in empowering individuals to move towards growth, healing, and alignment with their authentic self. Suzie is driven by a calling to live authentically, as the person God created her to be, to reach her fullest potential and lead others to do the same. Her passion is to help others find meaning through discovering their strengths, gifts, personality, temperament and core values.
Suzie is a life-long learner, continuously immersing herself in new courses to learn more about human behaviour, relationships, psychology, child development, emotions, trauma and healing. Because of her craving to always learn more she has earned the title of resource specialist in the area of self-discovery.
Suzie Zanewich lives with her husband in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. She has a patchwork family of four grown children, two daughters, two sons and three granddaughters.
Comments 1
Guest - Jennifer Sienes
on Tuesday, 29 May 2012 14:18
It doesn't matter how many time I've heard your story, it still has the power to move me. Looking forward to reading the "after" even though I'm a witness to it in your life. I pray those reading this blog will be moved to trust in the scriptures, as you have, my friend. Even when people are fallible, the one true God is not.